An Apology To My Younger Self

Every time I eat a nourishing meal, I am showing love to the girl who couldn't eat because her anxiety was so out of control. 

Every time I receive love from my warm and sweet boyfriend and my benevolent and graceful friends, I am paying homage to the girl who spent 2 years in psychoanalytic therapy healing from toxic and emotionally abusive relationships and friendships. 

Every time I choose to rest instead of pushing past my own boundaries, I reflect on and apologize to the girl who thought her worth depended on her productivity and how much she gave to others.

Every act of self love transmutes the pain endured during times when we didn't know better. 

Recovering your health in a holistic manner is not as simplistic as the attempts we have seen in Western medicine try to make it seem.  It is so much deeper than that.  While there is a beautiful bridge that can connect modern medicine and holistic healing, we must address the detrimental pitfalls of the Western approach.  When I initially sought out help I had pills pushed at me from all angles- birth control for my painful and out of balance cycle, antibiotics and spironolactone for my acne and dermatitis, anti-anxiety medications, adderall, painkillers, muscle relaxers, and on and on.  Not knowing better I fell naive to this path and wreaked further havoc on my health.  My breakthrough came when I realized I deserved more.  Simply putting a bandaid on deep emotional, physical, and spiritual wounds was no longer going to suffice.  We cannot mute these calls from our bodies or they will rapidly turn into screams and desperate cries.  

My first step towards holistic recovery of my health was making the choice that I deserved, wanted, needed and would do whatever it takes to give myself more than muting my ailments.  This was my first act of radical self love after years of neglect towards myself from myself and by way of others.  This was the breakthrough.  

It is not necessary to be perfect, it is not necessary to do it all on your own.  What is necessary is that you continue to show up.  You continue to make the small choices that show your soul you love yourself.  This internal love will grow to be unconditional as you move through your wounds.  This love to yourself is what demonstrates to your mind, body, and soul that real healing is happening.  The stronger the connection between mind, body, and spirit, the stronger the response to these acts of love your health will have.  Learning to make these small acts of love towards yourself takes practice. 

To get where I am today took a lot of digging, and is still a daily effort to face the parts of me that are a bit rough around the edges. My favorite way to stay disciplined in showing up for myself today is thinking of how a daughter would look at me and what she would think of how I treat myself-- ESPECIALLY because, as women, we are holding all the eggs we will ever have!  Our babies feel and are affected by what we feel and experience our entire lives, not just while we are pregnant.  I want my relationship with my baby to be the most loving and nourishing relationship possible, which starts with having that relationship with myself.  

When I am moving through my day I use this "trick" within.  In envisioning how I would raise a child (or specifically, a daughter, depending if it's related to how I show up for myself as a woman), what I am really doing is tapping into my inner mother and inner child simultaneously.  Would I, as a mother, want or expect my daughter to work 10 hours straight without a break for lunch or fresh air or to move her body? Absolutely not. So as a mother to my own inner child, why would I expect that?  As a mother, would I force my daughter to workout on the first 3 days of her cycle because I am concerned about how her physical body looks? FUCK. NO. So why ever would I do this to myself?  This applies to all facets of how we show up for ourselves in our lives and has made it so easy for me to treat myself kindly and with love which has exponentially sped up all processes of healing. 

The best part about all of this is that even though it's "hard work" it is the most rewarding work you'll ever do.  When you work on and begin to master your emotions, you begin to master how you show up in relation to your inner self and to others.  When you strengthen your physical body, you begin to wake up and move through the day with ease.  When you deepen your spirituality you find connection and peace externally and internally.  Life becomes blissful. 

The work I have done over these last years has left me with a mantra that showed itself to me: 

         The better I feel the easier life becomes.